Saturday, April 14, 2007

Review: Shear Genius

I'll get it right out of the way: this show is incredible. It is filled with some of the most ridiculous characters to ever appear on reality TV, including one entertaining fellow who goes by the name Dr. Boogie (I'm not kidding). My favorite contestant, Paul-Jean (aka pretencious may or may not be from the south of France judging by the accuracy of his English grammar but was so damn cocky, confident, and charming you couldn't help but fall in love with him (oh, did I mention he was a foreign person on a Bravo Reality show? That never works out too well)) was already kicked off for subjecting a poor girl to this monstrosity, but what do you expect when the contestants are literally told to go shop in Michaels Arts and Crafts store and make hair art? It's just a shame that they did not cast a weavologist this season, but maybe Saphyrii (from Flavor of Love 2 and Charm School) or Top Model's Kathleen (of the fierce piece) can be on next season. That would be good TV.

Basically, it's a very effective blend of Project Runway (with weekly, I kid you not, Hair Shows, and the finale being an extravagant hair show battle the likes of which I haven't seen since Mo'Nique's Hair Show (sadly, I cannot find a video clip online, but if you flip to BET often enough you might catch it (might, as in you will) between airings of Soul Food)) and Top Chef (every week a Short Cut (nice pun, lots of nice puns on this show) challenge will determine order selection for models and pecking rank among the designers). The best part: Jaclyn Smith, of Charlie's Angels and her own line of clothing a K-Mart fame, is inexplicably the host. And she looks simultaneously incredible and awful, thanks to some alleged plastic surgery.

The best part: this guy on the left thinks he's Sweeney Todd
. I just wish I could find a photo of him on elimination day.

Varb For Me

Not a Review: Got a New Gig

I have to recommend the site if you are trying to get some paying freelance writing work. After you sign up, you can put in bids (as in, how much you want to be paid) for various jobs from writing to editing to computer programming to voice overs and more, post your resume, and see if anyone bites. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I'm now going to be writing 25 articles a week for a site based on a list of provided keywords for about 94 dollars a week. Not to bad for some short articles. Check it out if you want some writing work. You could do far worse.

Varb For Me

Friday, April 13, 2007

Review: 1985 Cell Phone Makeover Game

I feel like I've been neglecting my duties to review things that don't feature live actors/bitches, and therefore found out about, so help me, a fun little diversion site that just launched.

The 1985 Cell Phone Makeover Game puts you in charge of Dusty, a hopelessly tacky, unfashionable Motorola phone - from 1985. This brick of a phone is given to you, the visitor, to style as you see fit.

With snarky comments and fast one liners, Dusty isn't going to just take his makeover lying down. You can customize the hair, eyes, mouth, hat, shirt, pants, accessories, and background of your own Dusty.

The fun really comes in when you finish customizing. When this site starts to build up, people will be able to view and review your own Dusty's, and you can do the same. You can also send it to a friend or yourself on your phone or post it on your own blog, like this:

Meet Rustyliglione

Ok, the music is absolutely annoying (maybe they'll add more tracks later on, but the mute button sure is a handy feature for this site) and the options, while good, are not as varied as they could be for a makeover game, but it's still a fun little diversion. These games are always good for a quick bit of fun, a time waster, really. You could do far worse than choose to makeover your own Dusty.

I mean, who doesn't want to clutter up their Myspace with more free junk that you customized yourself? I know I do.

The one thing I do wonder about is what this site is going to get for doing this. Is it a subsidiary project of Motorola? Another phone company mocking Motorola? An accessories dealer? Or are they just making money on advertising sales and per click ads? Probably somewhere in between the first three, and definitely the last.

This review comes courtesy of, where your integrity always has a price tag (just kidding (but not really)).

Varb For Me

Not a Review: Happy Friday the 13th Everyone

I love Friday the 13ths. I don't know how I will celebrate this wonderful, perfectly overcast way, but I know the worst thing I can do: fight my way through NYC to get to the Port Authority and go to scenic New Jersey for the weekend (woo?). I don't know why, but I am absolutely determined to watch some AWFUL horror films today, but don't want to spend the money to go see Disturbia or The Reaping, so it'll be off the Blockbuster for me (or on with less savory means of obtaining films, though I feel like an awful person everytime I stream readily available content in the US over the Internet).

Also, this weekend I will finally get to see the new Bravo Reality TV series: Shear Genius, and everything I've read indicated the title is appropriate. They had a challenge to make fancy dancy hair styles with crafting supplies, for Jebus' sake.

Think I'm joking? Look at them all here. These photos make Tyra Banks' hair look good, people. That ain't right.

Varb For Me

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Review: Larry King Live as Hosted by Jimmy Kimmel

I've mentioned my almost undying love for Sarah Silverman before, but there has been one sticking point that truly does upset me: she's dating Jimmy Kimmel, and she can easily do so much better. I'm sure it's his fart jokes and beer-buddy status that keeps them together (it ain't his looks), and it certainly isn't his attitude based off of this fiasco.

Someone behind Larry King Live thought it was a brilliant idea to have Jimmy Kimmel fill in one night, and the results are truly disgusting. This review focuses on how Jimmy Kimmel harassed Gawker editor Emily Gould. What follows is what I published as a news story through Associated Content on the incident. And they paid me. Go figure.

Jimmy Kimmel went on the attack against entertainment blogger Emily Gould, refusing to let her say more than one sentence at a time when he filled as host for Larry King Live on April 6.

The show seemed to be going in an innocent enough direction, discussing the extremes paparazzi will go to for their story, and bringing in guests representative of both sides of that debate. Then enter, via satellite feed, editor Emily Gould.

Immediately, one could sense that the mood of the program had changed. Jimmy Kimmel immediately went on the offensive against what is admitted by Gawker to be the most ridiculous feature of their site: the Gawker Stalker.

The Gawker Stalker allows anyone in New York City to report a celebrity sighting, sending in a message describing when and where they saw the celebrity, and how they were behaving. Apparently, a few months prior to the broadcast, Jimmy Kimmel was caught drunk, staggering out of a bar, and being belligerent towards fans trying to obtain an autograph, and Mr. Kimmel did not like the report.

Instead of focusing on the extremes the paparazzi go to for photographs, the five minute segment with Emily Gould was practically a bloodbath. For example, even after Emily Gould mentioned that the site normally took well over a day to post the celebrity sighting, more than enough time for that celebrity to have left, Jimmy Kimmel and his panel of experts insisted that she was lying and that the responses were posted immediately. They claimed that Emily Gould (who is not the founder or creative director of the site, just a paid editor) was looking forward to a lawsuit and was encouraging crazed fans to actually come in and attack celebrities. One expert went so far as to state that many celebrities are assaulted or even murdered each day and the media never mentions it. Kimmel went so far as to accuse Gould of profiting over the pain and suffering of celebrities through advertising, and would even claim that buying ads on a blog is "ridiculous". It is apparent, however, when visiting many popular blogs that Mr. Kimmel himself and his network constantly purchase such advertisements to promote his late night talk show.

Eventually, Jimmy Kimmel would mention his grievance about appearing on the Gawker Stalker, and claim that it was offensive to his family who visited the site. Instead of providing an objective debate on a very current and relevant subject, Jimmy Kimmel used his appearance on Larry King Live as an opportunity to advance his own personal vendetta against the blogosphere and damage the reputation of one well respected author.

While Kimmel may feel that he had the chance to get back at the big bad bloggers, his behavior on the show may have actually hurt his case. As Gould would state on the show, blogs are almost a form of citizen journalism, but like the weekly tabloids at the supermarket, you can't expect a one hundred percent accurate report. People have been given the opportunity and tools to realize that just because a person is on TV does not mean that they are a better human being.

In other words, I hate you Jimmy Kimmel. I hate everything that you and your privacy obsessed celebrity friends stand for. If you are going to make a career out of being in the public eye, then you need to understand that you are going to be in the public eye. The most disgusting thing about this incident, though, is how every other Blogger took this as an opportunity to attack Emily Gould for being a weak person. Which doesn't help. At all.

As Tyra Banks would say: Learn something from this:

And Emily Gould's reply. This is how you handle bullies.

Varb For Me

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Review: Bjork "Earth Intruders"

I love Bjork. Let's get that out of the way right now. I don't think she's every released a bad track, and is one of the most talented and prolific artists of the last twenty years. I also believe that she wrote the single greatest pop song of all time with "Pagan Poetry". There is no one out there who is quite like this crazy Icelandic songstress.

So, when I heard that Timbaland, aka producer who destroyed what respect I once had for Nelly Furtado with a truly shitacular album aka producer who created some of the best beats ever, was producing her album, I weeped. As in I literally started crying and questioning why Bjork had forsaken me. I mean, I defended her for the darkest day in Olympic Opening Ceremony history: her live, but misguided, performance of the wonderful song Oceania. I have never seen athletes that confused and scared before in my life.

But no worries: the track is fantastic. It is the closest Bjork will ever come to doing a hot dance track, and I see this being the dubbed in song of choice for Season 3 of So You Think You Can Dance for anyone performing modern/jazz to a song they can't get the rights to. It's pure Bjork, but peppier, but just as crazy as you love her.

This isn't the real video, but it's the clearest audio I can find of the song. So enjoy a fan made video of Earth Intruders created with the classic game Ice Climbers.

Varb For Me

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Review (woo!): Grindhouse

I promised you I'd be back, and here I am, reviewing the single most entertaining film I've seen in years.

Let me start with a simple fact: Grindhouse isn't exactly going to be walking away with any Academy Awards (though the argument could easily be made for make-up, and when the Weinsteins release Planet Terror and Death Proof as seperate full length feature films later this year, Death Proof could conceivably be a contender for original screenplay), but it is so much fun.

A common misconception is that Grindhouse is a sleazy horror film. That's simply not true. It's also a side splitting comedy with strong female empowerment motifs.

Let's just go in order:

Machete Trailor: thank goodness Robert Rodriguez is actually making this twisted revenge film, since Machete's trailor is one of the greatest ever made. A Mexican day laborer, nicknamed machete, is hired to execute a high power assasination, only he has been set up by enemies and almost loses his life. He swears revenge on all those who betrayed him. Wonderful way to start the film.

Planet Terror: sick, twisted, over the top zombie-esque fun (though the creatures aren't zombies). Rose McGowan is phenomenal as Cherry, a stripper who wants nothing more than to be a stand-up comedian, even though she isn't very funny. Cherry and other citizens of Texas band together in an effort to save their lives against flesh hungry humans covered in disusting boils and wounds that ooze green slime. As disgusting and horrific as it is, this is one of the most effective comedy films I have ever seen and perfectly captures that late 1970's early 1980's splatterfest vibe while updating it to relevancy in 2007. Kudos, Mr. Rodriguez. All is forgiven for The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D.

More Trailors (I believe this is the proper order):

Werewolf Women of the S.S.: If you know anything about Nazi-sploitation films, then you realize that Rob Zombie nailed the over the top cheese and sex factor of these films with his hillarious take on the sub genre. My favorite of the fake trailors.

Don't: Simon Pegg is a genius. Don't is a perfect spoof of the hard hitting advertising for 1970's British Gothic Horror films that wind up coming off as comedies rather than horror films. This would legitimately be a very disturbing horror film.

Thanksgiving: Eli Roth's slasher film trailor, and I wasn't that impressed. It was just as misogynistic as all his other work combined and seemed like a pointless slasher. Perfect score for nailing the 1980's horror film, poor score for taste (surprise!).

Death Proof: Holy shit is this a good fucking film. Slow and deliberate, the story follows two groups of young women who face the misfortune of going one on one with an amazing Kurt Russel as Stuntman Mike. Rose McGowan once again impresses here, but the film is stolen by stunt woman Zoe Bell playing herself on screen. An effortless performance that requires a whole lot more effort than you would imagine for one of the greatest stunt sequences ever.

The film is worth seeing before the Weinstein's hack it apart and put it back together as seperate features. The experience is more than worth the 3+ hour running time.

Varb For Me