Review: Chiller, New Horror Network

I wanted to make sure I really sampled this new satellite station before reviewing it, and I've come to the appropriate conclusion:

This is my new favorite channel on TV (until there's the ANTM TV, then all bets are off). Any station that airs Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Night Gallery, Friday the 13th: The Series, Twin Peaks, Monster (it has it's moments, but not the greatest), and starting next week Freddy's Nightmares, plus plenty of horror films (including Abbot and Costello Meet the Mummy - the only of those films I have not seen before).

It's not perfect, but it's as close to perfect as any network launch I've ever seen. The commercials are either for Chiller itself or a few smaller ads that don't bug too much. There is editing to account for 30/60 minute formats of the modern age (most apparent in Hitchcock, but those were 27 + minute episodes aired when there was just the intro and closer commercials, so naturally there would be cuts).

All I'm waiting for is some original programming to hit the station. A reality show would be great (Brain Blast!: The Blair Witch Project meets The Amazing Race: Teams of three race around scary locations all over the world to complete challenges, one team killed off (not really, but that would be the gimick, like on Monster House with the gallows) each challenge; I should send a letter, that's brilliant).

This is run by the same company that made Sci-Fi, and so far it seems to have improved tenfold over the Sci-Fi launch. Hopefully they won't start making awful awful movies every week (actually, awful horror films are far more enjoyable than awful Sci-Fi, so write away, Chiller).

Review: Gremlins (1984)

I was a little surprised to realize while rummaging through the $10 bins at a local CD store that I had never seen the film Gremlins. Yet I have had a lifelong obsession with Gizmo. So, I figured when I couldn't sleep today, I'd pop this into my laptop and have some fun. I mean, with a character that cute, it can't be that scary, right?

Wrong. This is one of the most warped, disturbing, twisted, subversive horror films I have ever seen. I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't this. And that's a good thing.

I turned the film off maybe five minutes ago now and I am still filled with a strong feeling of complete and utter dread. Those gremlins were horrifying, especially that nasty Stripe. But they were also hilarious. But scary. But funny. But cute. But ugly.

The acting isn't spectacular, but it is very realistic. I will say the only way I can describe lead actor Zach Galligan in this film is milk. He was so wholesome and filled with teeth, you couldn't help but just want to invite him in for some hot cocoa and fresh baked cookies.

One thing that actually shocks me about this film: How did it not get nominated for Best Effects, Visual Effects at the Oscars? Never in my life have I been more impressed with the effects in a film as with Gremlins. Never. Am I really supposed to believe that the Academy thought Ghost Busters and an Indiana Jones film had better effects? And what of the gloriously twisted, funny, and terrifying screenplay? I mean, Beverly Hills Cop and Splash were nominated that year, so it certainly wasn't for a lack of serious content.

But I'm just splitting hairs. This film is ridiculous and incredible in every way possible, chilling and hilarious like so many films fail at with even more effort put into achieving that effect, and that voice over ending is quite possibly the most disturbing thing I have ever heard in a film. Chris Columbus is one sick fuck.

Take a look for yourself:

Review: The Sarah Silverman Program

Sorry for such a late update today, I genuinely haven't been feeling well (I blame Sandra Lee, that was the one variable in my regular life) so I've been sleeping almost all day. I guess I'll have to wait till tomorrow to review the movie Gremlins (how I never saw this I'm not sure) and Chiller (both the network AND the film).

So, I have my new must-see viewing show, and it's not even a reality show or animated.

The Sarah Silverman Program isn't just for fans of Sarah Silverman. As much as I like her material, the closest I've come to actually seeing her material is the film Jesus is Magic, and I was more a fan of her delivery than anything else. The late night sitcom format is a perfect showcase for her material, music, and acting ability. The casting of the show is great, and the writing is strong enough to stand out but still stays true to the sitcoms that came before it.

This isn't a show for everyone. Sarah Silverman takes a push-button topic, like AIDS, and keeps twisting and twisting it for humor until you just can't stop yourself from laughing.

I will say that I know plenty of people who have fallen in love with the show who also enjoyed Strangers With Candy. It's that style of humor, but feels more like a traditional sitcom.

While this wasn't on the show, I leave you with my all time favorite moment of Sarah Silverman appearances: The Aristocrats. Not safe for work. Not safe by a long shot.

Review: Apple Raisin Betty, a "Recipe" from Sandra Lee (actual review forthcoming)

I cannot believe that I have yet to mention the absolute bane of my TV cooking show addicted existence on this blog yet. Sandra Lee, of the Semi-Homemade Cooking show on Food Network. Why this harpy has a career I will never know (well, I'm pretty sure it had something to do with big dinnert, desert, and something to do with pixie stix), but she has provided me and my fellow shrikes with countless hours of entertainment at her loony expense. I mean, how am I supposed to respect a cook who does this for Christmas? TrentSketch Safety Tip: please do not watch this while drinking. Your computer doesn't enjoy being sprayed with a refreshing beverage. Also, make sure that beverage is not a "Cucktail" from SLop. The sad thing is, THAT is an example of LUCID Snandra Lee. You should hear her talk about that time she was "literally vertical" on a carnival ride. It's a hoot and a half.

Anyway, this woman is an abomination, a lush, and a complete and total waste of oxygen.

Later today, I will be posting a video of me assembling (she doesn't give recipes, she gives construction guidelines) one of the most vile ideas she had this past week (it's too early to see how it will stack against the Kwanzaa Cake and plenty of other culturally and aesthetically insulting entries in this series).

Apple Raisin Betty:
Butter flavored cooking spray
2 (21-ounce) cans apple pie filling (recommended: Comstock)
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
3 packets instant oatmeal with raisins and spice, divided (recommended: Quaker Oats)
6 tablespoons butter, divided

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Spray a 9 by 13-inch casserole dish with butter flavored cooking spray.

Spread the apple pie filling in the bottom of the casserole dish. Sprinkle with the cinnamon and 1 1/2 packets of oatmeal. Dot with half the butter. Repeat with remaining ingredients.

Cover with foil and bake for about 1 hour. Remove from oven and let sit for 5 minutes before serving.

MMmhhh....hopefully I can still stand after making this. I may need to hit up my own cocktail time and when I start drinking THIS early, it's never pretty.

Until later, I leave you with this:

Well, she certainly is a tramp...


Well, that sucks. My computer malfunctioned, I lost all the video footage, and I do NOT have enough money or a strong enough stomach to do it all again.

Here are some highlight photos that show how crazy this nitwit can make me act. And for the first time ever, SandyLooWho actually made me sick with her cuisine. It was bound to happen folks.

Review: American Idol

Ok, this isn't going to be a big review.

I've been a contestant on Idol not once but twice. And I'm not saying that just because I showed up to the open call. I'm saying it because I legitimately have made it past the open call and much farther into the competition twice, only to be removed twice not by the judges but the producers. No, I didn't break any rules. I can't disclose the reasoning (darn contracts), but I will say that it was a disagreement over proceedings.

Anyway, this season, so far, is awful. The pimping of contestants has never been more obvious. Why 19 Entertainment somehow thinks that one trick ponies like Sundance Head can be legitimate superstars I'll never figure out.

There is only one beacon of hope in the contest, and that is Leslie Hunt. Unfortunately, her style - a lovely hybrid of folk and soul - does not bode well for her in the contest.

I will say that as of tonight, Paula Abdul has shown herself to be the most entertaining aspect of this dredge of a show now. When she's lucid, her criticism is fitting, appropriate, and shows the full breadth of knowledge that she possesses from her years in the industry; when she's not, her "spirit" "dances" with all the "colors" of the "rainbow". Straight up, it's always a touch down.

I do want this show to be a huge success, so more artists like Leslie Hunt (or my girl April Walsh) can use this show as a high point on their resume. Fortunately for performers, many casting directors a) do not know how big a joke this show actually is, and b) don't watch the show closely enough so people can blatantly lie about how well they did on the show even if they never so much as auditioned.

I'll leave you with my girl April Walsh rockin' out on Bjork. The fact that a girl with this kind of voice, personality, and taste did NOT make the semi's validates this post.